#176 - The bully and the pushover are not that different from each other

The value of moving to a Win-Win mindset

👋Hi. I’m Satyajit and I recently started another newsletter, this one for longform writing. Readers by and large have had good things to say about it, so feel free to check it out here. Thank you!

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Recently, this newsletter has explored what’s below the waterline of a reluctance to say NO. Today’s piece highlights a counterintuitive similarity between those who can’t say NO and those who can’t hear NO. It goes on to explain why that may matter to you.

First off, here is something contrary to common sense:

Those who have trouble saying NO to others and tend to be sacrificial about their own interests are no different from those who want to win at all costs and tend to be aggressive about their own interests.

Both groups believe one side has to win and the other has to lose for the world to move forward. Both believe that in any exchange, any negotiation, any relationship even, there's one winner and one loser.

So, I Lose/You Win is therefore not much different from I Win/You Lose. Both believe life is zero sum. Okay, why does a zero-sum view of life matter? Let me pick out three areas and see how it may play out.

1️⃣Military and Sales

The Win-Lose frame in any of these domains highlights competition. The old sergeant trope in the movies exhorts the troops with “Defend your turf or else the enemy will snatch it from you.” This call to action assumes there’s only a fixed amount of turf available. Which is true, but take it elsewhere and how does it work?

The Sales head may employ the same view of the world when they announce at the annual planning offsite that the “best sales person will win a ticket to Disneyland; the worst will fund that trip by giving up their job.” Different domain but the same belief: business as war, only one winner.

Here’s the funny part. Such a frame is not just the heirloom of the grizzled army sergeant or the cut-throat Sales leader. It is easy to think of these alphas that way but they’re not alone in subscribing to this Win-Lose belief.

NB: I chose Sales arbitrarily. The point applies to other business functions as well, though less visibly perhaps.

2️⃣Relationships

A friend has a habit of calling you late at night, when it is convenient to him, and launch into rambling conversations that throw your bedtime and morning workout out the window. You wake up guilty and grumpy. Come evening, you’re dreading the call but you don’t have the heart to tell your chatty friend how it kills your day or to lay down boundaries to protect your own interests. Instead, you say to yourself, “I care too much about this relationship to put it at risk.”

A bit of a pushover perhaps? But notice that the underlying belief driving this behavior is the same. “I want to protect this relationship so I’ll suck it up (= lose) and let my friend feel good (= win).” Why? Why can’t there be a future where both parties win?

Same sauce, different bottle. The bully openly covets it; the pushover secretly wants it.

3️⃣Economics and governance

Strange choice at face value but every bit as true.

Given India’s status as the world’s largest democracy, the whole world was watching our recent general elections. In the run-up to polling day, we had political parties of all hues talk about the scourge of economic inequality. They spoke about their plans to reduce inequality. They spoke about taxing the rich. They, when they ran the coffers, ran welfare schemes win over low-income/poor households. Inequality was the bogeyman.

Inequality presumes that if the rich are too rich and the poor are too poor, the answer is redistribution of wealth. Redistribution, why? Doesn’t it imply that the economic pie is fixed and that every have is accompanied by a have-not? What about economic growth that lifts the poor out of their poverty? Why can’t everybody do better? Why can’t the pie grow?

NB: These are not notional questions, by the way. There’s good research spporting the view that economic growth correlates to prosperity much better than reduced inequality does.

What then is a winning mindset?

A far better mindset to adopt is Win-Win. Believe that whoever you're dealing with is not locked in an adversarial relationship, and that both of you can win. Believe that the market can expand. Believe that all of society can grow.

At a personal level, maybe we say a reluctant Yes not because we're afraid of a confrontation or a tough conversation but because in our hearts we don't believe both can win. The courage to share with the other party what matters to you emerges from the consideration to explore what matters to them. Win-Win is strange that way. It encourages you to be selfish to have an overall better outcome for both you and whoever else you’re interacting with.

If you can’t hear NO or can’t say NO, think about why that may be. Teaching yourself to steer clear of such a Win-Lose mindset can help free up your thinking. Commiting to exploring Win-Win possibilities can deepen your interactions with colleagues, friends, and family.

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👋Hi, I’m Satyajit and thank you for your time. I learn from the best with the goal of unpacking lessons that help make decisions for a better career and a better life.