#197 - Exploring my human iceberg

A conversation about values

This is a slightly edited excerpt of a recent conversation where I was coached. Although it is longer in length than the average post that you, dear reader, are used to here, I hope that the conversational style will make it a breezier, though not less meaningful, read. The reason to post it is to show what a coaching process looks like. The title refers to the human iceberg model, shown below here.

Over to the conversation…

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Me:  Hi.

A:  Hi. What do you have on your mind today?

Me:  So a couple of days back I was giving some instructions to our house help. She is also my daughter’s nanny and she could not follow my instructions and I got a little impatient with her. Then once the call ended, I sort of… a thought came to me that this is a pattern that in the past also when I have found it difficult to get through to her, I have gotten irritated. And then it occurred to me that it is not just with her.

And the sort of slightly broader pattern was that I get irritated or get impatient when people do not follow instructions or they take a little longer to grasp something. And I wondered why that may be the case. In the last couple of months I have been trying to understand my strengths and skills and values. So I just realized that for me, beauty and excellence are very high values, high ranking values. And I sort of made the connection that in my mind I want to be a part of or, even better, I want to be the author of something beautiful and excellent in life.

And when I am, for example, in a conversation with someone who is not getting something basic, perhaps the question in my brain, in my subconscious, is that how am I ever going to accomplish something beautiful or excellent or wonderful if you know, this is the level at which my life is operating? And, and when I thought of that, it immediately came to me that even with a certain set of friends, or even among my friends rather, I have especially in the last few years, been more inclined toward friends who I think are, you know, more intellectually predisposed or even smarter than me or doing better than me, then friends who I think you know are not of that disposition. 

So in my head also there is a filter that I am applying that, OK, these kinds of friendships I want to invest in and these I want to invest myself less in. And this is not a function of how deep our relationship is. It is more a function of the intellectual quotient. And then I sort of joined the dots and thought, thought to myself that I have a bias for this because probably because I want to live my life closer to my value of beauty and excellence. So I feel like my fear is that if I am involved in or interacting with people, you know, like this, you are the average of five people you hang out most with that if I am, if that average is low, then that reflects poorly on me and I am going to be less able to fulfill my my most meaningful desires. So far so good. What I want to understand is with this realization, what insight can I bring to my life?

Because I don’t think this captures everything. I don’t think that measuring people just by their intellect is everything.  So I want to use this realization to sort of explore what could this mean and.. and how can I more constructively try and live my life as per this highest value of mine.

A:  So you began with saying that you noticed that you have been a bit intolerant with people who have not been able to understand your instructions or possibly who have, like, less intellect probably… and yours is… beauty and excellence are your topmost values. And so you feel irritated when people are not kind of living up to their own sense of beauty and excellence. And this also… you notice that while choosing friends, their intellect is an attractive factor for you. And another part is, you want to be able to create something, something of beauty. And what is that word you said?

Me: Higher in quality.

A:  Higher in quality, and this is one part. You are also thinking that with the relationship, it is not just the intellect alone that should matter. So what am I going to do with this kind of an insight that I got from this experience?

Me:  Yeah, yes, I mean, and all of this has been happening for years. It is that now I have come to realize it and I have been biased towards maybe people who are smarter or who appear smarter. But I don’t think smartness is everything and… I have no problems with the values. I mean beauty and excellence are meaningful to me and that is who I am. But how can I also make my life fulfilling while upholding those values?

And maybe how can I be more compassionate because I am impatient and irritable and I have less time and attention when I feel like, you know, this person is not smart enough.  Maybe… there is another thing also. The second thing is that this person not being smart and this person I am spending time with not being smart enough has an impact on how quickly or how surely am I going to achieve my life’s goals of, you know, highest quality and beauty.

A:  I heard you saying that you want to be compassionate.  What would be a useful outcome of today’s conversation?

Me: Find a way to separate this desire for beauty and excellence from how I deal with people, how I am with people.

A: Why is it important for you to explore this?

Me: I think I will enjoy people’s company more.

And not just people in the periphery of my life, but people also close to me. Like I often get irritated with my mum, sometimes even get irritated with my wife when I have to repeat something.

And earlier I used to think one of the reasons I used to get irritated was when I had to repeat something because when I was a child I used to stammer and talking was anyway difficult… so having to say something again was doubly difficult. But I haven’t stammered in years so that doesn’t hold. So while that was a crutch I leaned on and maybe that was fair then, my best guess is now it is something else. Because I feel like I am wasting my time on someone who does not have the intellectual capability to understand what I am saying. It is not that I am saying not I am talking to them about some high flowing concept, but even regular stuff. Which sort of makes the point that OK, you know what? Why am I wasting time?

A: As a child when you used to stammer, repeating twice was difficult, but you had to do it and it seemed valid then. But now that you don’t have that difficulty anymore, it seems like it is a waste of time to say things over and over again.

Me: Yeah, it is a waste of time broadly to spend time with someone who is not at a higher level. In fact, I feel in a way that I am comfortable being the dumbest person in the room. In a way I want to because I want to absorb more than I give. I mean, I don't, it’s not like I don’t want to give things of value, but I definitely want to come out smarter or richer. So in a way it’s a realization that oh! I am the smart person in this room? So, I cannot benefit from this interaction, you know?

A: So, a love for learning is another value that is coming up now. 

Me: That is true. Yes, in fact, I did not think of it, but learning is also one of my top values.

A: I am thinking three things and you can choose what you want to talk about. I am just curious to know what duty and excellence means to you. That is one option. I want to know about you know what is that thing you want to create that is of beauty and excellence. And then how it all links with love of learning. So there are three parts in front of you. Which one should we take first?

Me: What is the second part?

A: What is that thing of beauty and excellence you want to create?

Me: What is that thing? Hmm… this third thing, I don’t know. I know the least, maybe because it just occurred to me when you said it. The first two things are connected and we can talk about that. I think they are related but let’s start with the first thing. 

So when I was in school I had won this prize. I won this story book as a prize and one of the stories had a line that said the secret in life is to do something that is very hard to do and that is very beautiful. Something to that effect and that has stuck in my head and without being able to articulate it at various points in my life, I am quite moved by beautiful things. It could be a movie, it could be a work of art, could be a piece of writing. But even with, you know, even when I was working [in corporate], something that was done well, even a presentation that was done well, a pitch that was done well, my interest levels picked up immediately and I was very curious.

Very naturally, I had time for that and all of these were signs that, you know, beauty and excellence were top values for me. But I did not know it as clearly.  So only more recently that when I have gotten into strengths and values assessment that I have identified that and that has sort of, you know, been validating for me. But I always, in all the things that I appreciate… I look for beauty and then in the things that I do also — not what I have to do but the things I do because I want to do them — I will do what it takes. So, I will spend whatever time it takes to do something to the best of my ability. And… that is not a problem. I don’t regret that. 

It comes very naturally to me. To me, it is, a source of beauty and excellence is a source of meaning. You know, like, for example, every once in a while I will think that, oh, if I can make a movie this good, you know, my life, is done. My life is made because like, you know, that’s probably the best way to spend your time… on creating something beautiful.  So yeah, it’s always been very natural and very dear to me. I don’t know where it comes from, but that’s definitely the case.

A: That innate attraction towards anything that someone created is fascinating to you. And you think like, I want to do that someday as well.

Me: And innate attraction towards the creator also, because then I want to emulate them. I want to understand exactly how they did it and all the specifics. Because in my head I envy them. You know, it is a very basic form of envy that comes up.

A:  I think it is more of awe.

Me: Hmm… Yes, probably awe. Yeah, yeah maybe awe is the better word.  I don't necessarily want to do what they are doing, but I mean awe of their ability to do it to such a high level of skill.

A: We started off by talking about your maid and the intolerance that you experienced with her. And it came up to your value of beauty and excellence and your need to create something beautiful and excellent and connected it with your love of learning.  And then we arrived at the awe that you have for people who create things and how is that they do that…. You are in search of that particular knowledge of how they do that. And so it seems like you don’t miss even a single chance to have that kind of interaction with people. So, by doing so you would be closer to your own creation it seems like. How does that resonate with you?

Me:  So I think I have had for most of my career some niggling issues with authority… uh, starting with school teachers or, you know…. If I did not fully admire or respect some figure of authority, it could be a teacher or later on even a boss. I did not give my full attention to them.  I mean, I did what I had to do, but I was not in awe of them at all.

On the occasion when I have crossed paths with people who are really good at their job, that time my interest has been piqued. And again, I am thinking this for the first time with my bosses when I realize that they are very human in the way that they also make mistakes and, you know, they are not fundamentally made of a different grain than I am I sort of, how to describe it… it’s like it’s been a little bit of cynicism maybe that I was looking for a hero figure to emulate maybe. And upon not finding it, I sort of sighed and lost my admiration for. And so then things that they say I don’t take for granted. I, I often challenge or ask questions.

I mean, of course with time I learned the social skill of challenging without being abrasive, but I did not hold them up to a higher standard than what I think they were at fundamentally. On the other hand, I have been very impressionable. I would not say very… I am reasonably impressionable with people I admire, even peers for that matter. I am very receptive to their ideas, their thoughts. So my wife, in fact, once we listened to this parenting podcast in the car and then after that episode ended, we sort of asked each other what we thought. And I had a very high regard for that person. And I thought, yeah, I believe what that parenting expert said. And she did not know that parenting expert before. So she had more, I would say, a healthy dose of skepticism. And that I found very interesting that I could readily accept because I thought that this person is an accomplished person. So that bias is also there. And it works both ways. I do not respect designated figures of authority just because they are designated. They have to prove themselves to me. They have to show some quality. And once I feel someone has shown their quality, there is a kind of a halo effect at play. I take even their opinions as facts. Not exactly, but you know what I mean.

A:  Like you don’t question enough.

Me: Yeah… so that’s what… I forgot your question, but your question made me think of all these things.

A:  I was talking about that search that you always have in yourself to learn more from anyone possible, so that you can get closer to the thing that you are going to create because you are looking for how is that they are doing it. It is also interesting when you said that it does not matter if it is a boss figure or a peer. The level of authority does not matter, but you are ready to learn from anyone as such.

Me: I think so and I have, I don’t know if it’s… I think even publicly I would be open to this. And I think I am someone who benefits a lot from company, you know, in the sense that some people are like pace setters or mood setters or even quality setters in a room. They come into a room and they dictate the mood, the energy, the level of the conversation. I am more happy joining the conversation that’s being done at a high level, even if I cannot contribute. And in cases where I contribute, where I, I am probably the most qualified to contribute sooner than later, I lose my steam. 

But after a point in time, this is not interesting enough, or this is not energizing enough, maybe because the attention is on me. In more recent years, I have taken these occasions. That is the chance to get better at explaining stuff. So I look at these things as opportunities to explain stuff in public. But once that is done, one that box is ticked, I don’t find it energizing enough to be in an interaction where I am not learning.

A: When you told me the scenario, I had an alternate thought running. And so now I am wondering what was it like if there is another person in the meeting who comes to the meeting room to learn something from you and you are keeping quiet. What do you think then that person would be like, intolerant towards the way you are behaving, right?

Me: I am just thinking, yeah, I am reframing your question in my head as what if there is someone else like me with me. It is also possible that when I am in that situation and there is uncomfortable silence I may swap roles just to get over that, just to fill the silence.

I have not been sensitive enough to notice that it is very likely that such a situation may have happened, especially in work settings. In work settings though, you are sort of expected to contribute. So even if you may not be energized by the quality of input, you still have to give an input because you know you have a role.  

I’m also just thinking even when attempting, I would rather attempt something difficult and fall short than attempt something that was very reachable and then reach it.

A:  So it should be challenging terrain.

Me: Yeah, because in my head, oh, there is that the beauty quotient is higher, so there is more beauty to capture. Which is why, now I am trying to think…. So when I got into long distance running, I immediately started doing half marathons.   I had never run like even five kilometers. I used to play, of course, I was reasonably fit and I was young, but I started running half marathons. Then very quickly I switched to full marathons. And at that point I was even serious about running ultra marathons, which is like fifty miles, which is almost double of a full marathon.

Then there is this case of, I quit my job when I was in my twenties to write a book.  Now, I had no experience writing.  Of course, in school I wrote. But beyond that, after that, for a good eight-nine years, I did not write because I was in engineering and job, but then I quit. I wrote a book without much formal training. So just, I think it is sort of in the level of the challenge. Once it is something of interest to me, it is not daunting and then the chance of failure is not daunting to me.  I sort of underestimate that. Not that I am not scared of things, but it is in the shadows. What is in the light is, this is a chance to create this thing.

So I was quite serious about running a four-hour marathon. I came close to it, but I didn’t exactly manage it. When I used to do that, that used to be like something wonderful. I was an amateur runner. For an amateur runner four hours is a huge thing. So I used to look for people who are amateurs who have also run four-hour marathons and I used to be quite curious about them. All of this now that I’m thinking is beginning to make sense that that this is a longstanding pattern that it matters to me how much beauty, how many units of beauty are up for grabs… and it does not matter how many units I am able to capture in the end, as long as I am aspiring to something beautiful, even feeling that pursuit is much more acceptable than accomplishing something very reachable, you know?

A:  Units of beauty. That is very interesting. OK, so we have been talking about understanding how you can be more compassionate for about half an hour now. What have you learned so far?

Me: One, that I have learned so much from going into my past and identifying patterns and within that I have sort of learnt about my learning quotient is quite high and about why my approach to figures of authority is what it is.

What I want to probably explore a little bit is that these two can be separate… I can pursue my path of beauty without being dependent on circumstances. That I should not hold my pursuit of beauty hostage to who I am with or where I am. Like, what will I get if I think that what I can do in life depends on my circumstances because it is something I do not have control over. 

And because of that, because of this one-dimensional way with which I view circumstances, including people, maybe I’m missing out on the chance to see other aspects of people. You know, intellect is not the only aspect. I don’t want to just follow smart people because they are smart. I also want to appreciate other forms of beauty like people who are more compassionate, people who are caring, people who have time and energy for you. They may not be the smartest. So, that I think I should keep separate and that separation will be easier to make if I can tell myself that I am the author of my life and I can chase beauty any which way I want to, without being dependent on people.

A: Yeah… so it seems like intellect is not the only beauty, there are other types—

Me: I’m jumping the gun here. I’m thinking that I should write about other aspects of beauty in people in my immediate circle.

A: OK. So the goal was, how can I get more compassionate towards people around me other than just looking at their intellect. You came up with a point that “I should be making a list of whatever kinds of beauty that I see in people in my circle.” 

 Me:  So I cannot get compassionate by turning on a switch. I can try to be more compassionate by being more receptive to other qualities in them. And one way to do that is to actually notice it and maybe, you know, write it down. And some of those other qualities are also qualities that I may be lacking in and I may want them.

A:  Your learner is coming in. “What can I learn here?”

Me: Yeah, maybe that…. Paying attention and noticing is sort of the gateway into this developing compassion. I cannot simply tell myself in the manner of an affirmation that I am compassionate. I don't want to stand in front of the mirror and say that, but I want to do it through action, by noticing and by paying attention and then see.

A:  So what is your operational definition of compassion or being compassionate?

Me: So in my head it is… it is like having space in my heart for someone else and, more practically, giving them the benefit of the doubt or trying to think, see things from their perspective.

A: Did you notice what you said? First you said I have to give space in my head and then you moved it to like a space in my heart.

Me: Yes, yes, yeah.

A: What do you make of it?

Me: I think the way to making space in my heart is to first notice. And often — not often, but sometimes — when I do not notice things, I do not develop sufficient compassion or empathy.   And sometimes when I have tried to change my heart without really examining my head, it has not worked. I have felt like an imposter. 

So, for example, I used to be quite bad at controlling my hunger.   If my meal times were a little off, then I would get hungry and cranky. And, when I was a child, it was sort of equated with being selfish that, you know, not waiting to eat, taking food for yourself first and all that. And I sort of had stayed in my mind. And sometimes I would wonder, why am I like this?

But now in adult life, I have disproved that to myself. For example, for some time I did intermittent fasting. I was able to through practice control my hunger. And then I realized it’s less about selfishness. I probably did not have the capability. I did not have enough iterations to develop the capability. Now it is not a problem. If my meal time gets a little here and there, I am fine. I know exactly what to do. So this is kind of the head and heart thing…. I am now very comfortable with not expecting an immediate change of heart. 

I am perfectly fine working through my thinking, approaching it through my head and then giving the time and space for a change of heart to come. And that brings a lot of relief that I do not have to tell myself that I am like this and I have to overcome who I am to be who I want to be.

A:  More self acceptance.

Me: Yeah. I am not as critical of myself because I think that these are not fundamental flaws in anyone for that matter.  So maybe if I notice these things in others also I will draw similar conclusions about them.  

A: Okay. Do you like to talk about anything else in relation to this exploration?

Me: I feel like we have covered so much ground. I want to just sit with it and just go over because the more I have spoken, the more things I have spotted and that has been very satisfying also, like eye opening.

A:  Are there any action steps coming to mind for you?

Me:  Yes. I want to note down what I admire in people other than intellect just to give them a more full-bodied definition in my head. So like my house help… she has a lot of love for my daughter. that is definitely one thing, but maybe start with that. I will just maybe start with that and go on to my friends and think about each of them

A: Is this a good time to end our conversation?

Me: Yes, I think so.

A: Thank you. Thank you for being so open about exploring this with me.

Me: My pleasure. I was the beneficiary here.

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👋Hi! I’m Satyajit and thank you for reading my work. Writing is the main medium of creation for me. I also use my skills as a decision-making trainer to help create leverage in my clients’ careers and as a coach to create shifts in perspective in my clients’ lives.